Daily we are thrust into new disasters at a drop of a hat. It seems like since 9/11 there hasn't been a breather for regrouping. People in my own hurricane weary neighborhood ask me why I don't spew out how to rise above life's miseries with quick effective and efficient steps. I wish I could shed more light on a quick path to baggage free emotions.
I have an elevated aversion to two specific words “you should”. I have a hard enough time controlling myself so why in the world would I want to control others with the word “should”. What I believe in and have tried to do for many years is open a field of vision. Captain Bly might make you walk the plank but I don't believe life is that easy. I think timing for an individual is as unique as they are. Petals fall off leaves at their own timing. If a leaf is pulled, they leave a bruise. What I can offer and what I can really do is rid my ears of wax and listen fully without judgment. Once I hear what is really being said then I can posture a person in the best direction.
Sometimes a situation is so raw with seething emotion nothing will help. The best help at that point is in the physical form of getting a person their medications, groceries, to Dr's visits or sometimes a place to live. As we have witnessed on TV many times over, when a mother is torn between which child to release into raging waters, what can possibly help? An intervention much larger than humans would be my guess. Sometimes, I feel like a broken record because I keep saying the same old things. Just like you, I have trouble making sense of all this misery. I thought I would share how I personally get through all the misery and negativity and how I encourage my family to do so. I have broken down 7 easy steps to stay sane when all else falls.
- Narrow your field of vision to what you can control. I know this seems so odd because the whole idea of treating grief is to open up the field of vision but when the ugliness of life wakes you in the middle of the night, I say narrow the vision to what you can control. Get balanced. If you were having a panic attack you would narrow your field of vision to concentrating on your breathing and on something concrete like a chair. If your mind is filled with pain for yourself or others, by narrowing your vision, you focus your mind. Have you ever gone to sleep and had a bad dream so you turn over as if turning a TV channel? Well, that is how this works.
- Get a worry stone. That will help you about as much as worrying all the time about things you cannot control. Use the stone to remind you of how worry robs you of your energy. Worry allows those things to control you. Does worry do us any good at all? Ask yourself what is in it for you to worry so much? Does your worry change things? Does it make you feel like a better person because you worry? Find an activity to transfer your worry into something positive to help the situation. For me, it is tennis or a pottery wheel for others it is grooming their dog or spending time in prayer. Do not keep putting energy into worry. All it does is deplete you. You become a robber of your own soul with worry. No one wants that especially when you can control your how you choose to perceive things.
- Volunteer your expertise or your time to help someone worse off than you. I couldn't go to help the Tsunami victims but I could reach out in my own hurricane devastated area to help those that no longer had homes and were losing their health due to stress. As a lady who is 83 said to me, this was not the way she had intended on living the last years of her life. That is where I could step in and help with small things. Some people feel like the small stuff doesn't really count but think for a moment about a very welcome smile at a time of utter misery. A smile or someone holding a door open all are small things that can make big changes in perspective.
- Trust yourself. When you are tired – sit down. When you are extra irritable – regroup. We all have a little voice in our head that says “don't do that” or “get out of bed and face the day”. Listen to that voice. If you are feeling overloaded with anxiety look for a corner to go into for a while. So many times, I have actually longed for that corner I was stuck into in elementary school so many times. Go back to that. What did you do when you were in the corner and not allowed to turn around and not allowed to play games? You thought. Now you may have been thinking revenge but most likely you were just letting your thoughts roam and maybe planning what you would do at recess. Sometimes our teachers were right and we needed “time out”. I have a time out for my dogs. When I see one is getting overly agitated and aggressive, they go into the time out area to regroup their dog thoughts. Sure enough, when they come out they are relaxed and ready to play nice.
- Accept without guilt. Second guessing doesn't help. Carrying an extra load of guilt bricks only weighs you down and emotionally destroys. The problem with guilt is it is a manipulator. Guilt is a control mechanism. We can't move forward very easily if we have a ball and chain as heavy as guilt tugging us back. In order to move forward you have to find a way to accept what happened and release the guilt. Sometimes there is survivor guilt. You see this especially in accidents where one or two people live and the rest die. If you were in a plane crash and the only survivor you would be asking why. Your loved ones would be so grateful and hopefully so would you but you would also feel guilt in trying to accept the fact you were left alive. Guilt must be dealt with. When you feel it, write down the best you can what you feel and why you think you feel that way. Go back and look at your notes from time to time and talk with a professional on how best to deal with the guilt.
- Take time to de-stress. Relax. Did you know if you don't take proper oxygen into your body you are putting yourself at risk? Did you know stress is an oxygen thief? Help yourself to reduce stress by avoiding unnecessary details. Follow routines because it will add structure to a stressed life. Make rest periods a high priority, diligently scheduling them before and after any activity on your calendar. If there is a period of the day when you are likely to be at your best, set aside that time for your most demanding activities. Consolidate and simplify tasks. Don't feel guilty for not getting as much done as you think you should. By overhauling certain aspects of your life, you can help yourself make it through the storms. Look for ways to make life easier for example, if you are handicap, apply for a handicapped parking permit. Contact local agencies and churches about volunteer programs they offer to help those in need. Nowadays, you can choose to have your groceries delivered to your home as well as your prescriptions.
- Do something new and have some fun. Life isn't meant to be miserable. A little planning can keep you effective and happy. Focus on the miracles of the day whether it be a new blossom or a baby's cry or a puppy finally understanding what “outside” means. Find what gives you pleasure and hone in on it, love it and harvest it.
All of this is futile if you aren't first honest with yourself with what you need. People are able to accept you and what you offer if you are open and honest with them. Simplify your life as much as possible and learn to say "no” when you need to do so and don't feel guilty. Everyone has to set boundaries and boundaries are only respected if you stick to them.
Don't be shy about telling people how they can help you. Don't expect people to read your mind. Mind readers may definitely exist but they are never around when you really need them, so tell people what is on your mind. People want to help, but they don't always know how. Take an active role in trying to stay sane in the insane times.
Sad and confusing events, whether they be natural disasters, personal conflicts, world conflicts or a family crisis, may bring tears in torrents. Yet, there is a place for humor. Looking for the bright side can make getting through difficult times more bearable. Yes, we do hurt for others and for ourselves but without the pain being laced with humor we become volcanic.
When life storms happen, they help us focus on the wondrous dazzling colors of the rainbows in our life. Sometimes storms clear the way to remind us to spend more time with family and friends. Storms seem to be a catalyst for arranging our life priorities. Storms help us understand the need for clear communication and communication that actually means something. When you think about it life wouldn't be the best it could be unless we weather the storms proving that heartache does diminish as the strength of the soul thrives.
Sherry Russell is a Grief Management Specialist, researcher and author of Conquering the Mysteries and Lies of Grief . Sherry has worked over the last twenty years with thousands of people in the throes of grief and has originated a series of Grief Workshops. She is an active volunteer with a local hospital and bereavement camp for kids. She is currently working on her next book for children titled The Life Adventures of Baby Boo and Zelda Lou. She believes in strong family ties, a good tennis match, volunteering and that all animals should be rescued and showered with love.
