Coping with sudden loss
by Sherry Russell
December 31, 1969

Sudden or traumatic losses due to events like crimes, accidents, or suicides are heart scalding traumas. They happen without any kind of forewarning. This life changing unexpected loss strips you from the opportunity to prepare.  It challenges your sense of security and faith in the certainty of life. There is no moment of utter clarity where you can make sense of what has happened. Trying to connect the dots to form some sort of logic only becomes a case study in frustration. The events leading up to the death may replay in your mind creating nightmares, distressing thoughts, social isolation, depression, and relentless anxiety.

When a traumatic loss occurs, physiological changes take place in the brain. You struggle to adjust by using coping skills and emotions. Shock and denial are typical responses to trauma, especially shortly after hearing about the death. Both shock and denial are normal protective reactions. The duo has a Novocain affect and will leave you feeling dazed and disconnected. Traumatic losses are extreme and fierce in their impact and may interfere with your ability to cope.

A number of factors tend to affect the length of time required for recovery, including the degree of intensity and loss sustained from the occurrence. Your coping skills and thinking processes will determine your perception of the trauma. People who have experienced and handled other extreme stressful circumstances may find it easier to cope by pulling on their past experiences.  Those who are faced with other emotionally challenging situations, such as serious health problems or family-related difficulties, may have more intense reactions to the new stressful event and require more time to recover. One way to examine your own style of coping is to recall the ways you've dealt with painful times in the past.

There are many aspects that affect the grieving process of a sudden loss. They include such factors as:

• A disaster such as a hurricane, earthquake, flood or tornado
• An illness such as a heart attack or stroke
• An accidental death such as a car accident
• An intentional death such as suicide or murder or random acts of violence
• The amount of suffering involved
• If there were multiple deaths
• Having to face the death without warning and not having an opportunity to say good-bye

The most common reactions to trauma include:

• Denial which allows you to function
• Emotions become intense and sometimes unpredictable. You might be especially anxious or nervous, or even become depressed.
• Mentally you may find difficulty with concentration; solving problems; making decisions, memory disturbance; flashbacks. Inability to attach importance to anything other than the incident.
• You may disassociate. Dissociation is a feeling of detachment from the experience, feeling “outside your own body” as if watching someone else experience the event.
• Physically, you may experience fatigue, insomnia, under activity, headaches, nightmares, hyperactivity, startle reactions, exhaustion, and diarrhea.
• You experience a change in how you perceive your surroundings, resulting in a feeling of numbness, detachment, and of being cut off from their immediate surroundings. You can make a distinction between what is and what is not real, yet; you feel removed from the immediate situation.
• Your thoughts and behavior patterns are affected by the sudden loss and may lead to physical reactions such as rapid heartbeat, sweating, or feeling you can’t breathe.
• You may experience an overall feeling of fear, guilt, emotional numbing, over sensitivity, anger, irritability, anxiety, depression, violent fantasies, feelings of helplessness, forgetfulness of details.
• Recurring emotional reactions are common. Anniversaries of the loss, such as at one month or one year, as well as reminders of how the death happened or the sound of sirens.
• Relationships with family and friends may become tense. You may have more frequent arguments with family members and coworkers due to a higher level of irritability.
• You may become withdrawn and isolate yourself from others.
• Reactions may change over time. Some who have suffered from trauma are energized initially by the event to help them with the challenge of coping, only to later become discouraged or depressed by generalized anxiety or panic.  All of the above conditions may deplete essential energy reserves through chronic sleep deprivation, which, in turn, could degrade coping capacity.

You can help restore your emotional well being by giving yourself time to heal.  Allow yourself to grieve your loss and be patient with yourself.  It is important to take time to rest for dealing with loss is exhausting. Look for support from people who will be willing to listen as well as finding local support groups. If you cannot find support consider calling a crisis help line. Try writing in a journal about your feelings. Remember the need for proper nutrition, exercise and taking medications on time. Try not to make major decisions when you are heavy with grief.

Focus on the fact that you are dealing with something that was out of your control.  You can re-establish your sense of control over your world by taking charge of what you can and don’t be afraid to ask for help.  Some other suggestions are:

• Find ways to “let go” of the anguish.
• Understand that the future is at stake.
• Accept yourself as a separate and valued person.
• Recognize that this is your grief and you are not responsible for how others react to your pain.  If it makes them uncomfortable - so be it.  When you see the people who take the two steps forward to listen to you those are the ones that can handle your pain.
• Tell people not to “rescue” you. Explain that you need to feel your pain and work through it.  It is sort of like a person who is losing their sight and yet everyone tells them not to worry. They say silly statements like “it will be fine”.  When in fact, the person needs to walk through the cave of fear and anguish to get ready for a new way to live their life.  Once they determine life can be lived without sight and life can be rewarding without sight, they can focus on the fact that they are still a loving vibrant person and they can start to prepare for what the future will be.  Nice meaning people can unknowingly create barriers that hinder your growth and healing.  If you have heard that saying “you can run but you can’t hide”, grief may have been the author!  Like the person going blind, they have to find a way to view their future, the person in grief has to find a way to redefine their life and view it through a wide angle lens again.
• Allow yourself to laugh and enjoy activities without feeling like you are betraying your loved one.
• If you are depressed, can’t sleep, have eating disorders or can’t tackle small daily tasks, see your doctor for a check up and tell him/her what you are experiencing.

Sudden loss as with all loss cannot be compared and is unique for each person.  Due to the variables that make you who you are and the make up of the relationship, you will have your own unique responses to the death.  Grief affects you in the heart, gut and mind.  In time, it should coat over and weave into your daily life.  Your loved one is never forgotten, the loss is simply put into a different perspective. If you don’t transition into that new perspective, you become bottlenecked with complicated grief.

Some people feel that by accepting joy and happiness back into their life they are betraying the memory of their loved one.  This is a major falsehood.  Concentrate on remembering the special times which gave you a feeling of joy and happiness with your loved one. Remember, you are not forgetting your loved one; you are allowing the emotions to surface with wonderful memories and revisiting the relationship as a whole.

The suddenness of the change represents an end and not a beginning.  It is an end to a way of life. You need to grieve the life that was which starts the transition. Getting to the other side of your pain is the new beginning.  By unblocking the avenues that keep grief in control, you will inch forward creating a new way of living and begin to reinvest in that life. The transition work involved is no doubt under the worst circumstances, yet, by turning your heart scalding pain into a stepping stone, you save yourself from becoming grief’s marionette.

Sherry Russell is a Grief Management Specialist, researcher and author of Conquering the Mysteries and Lies of Grief. Sherry has worked over the last twenty years with thousands of people in the throes of grief and has originated a series of Grief Workshops. She is an active volunteer with a local hospital and bereavement camp for kids. She is currently working on her next book for children titled The Life Adventures of Baby Boo and Zelda Lou. She believes in strong family ties, a good tennis match, volunteering and that all animals should be rescued and showered with love.

Last modified: July 2, 2006

 Tell a friend
 Printer friendly version